Feline Memoirist Gifts

"I'm writing my eighth memoir."

Mittens is challenged by the string.

'Shoot, this is nothing, you should have seen how good we had it back in ancient Egypt.'

The practical psychopath

Around the Dogbox in 80 Days.

"The painting and pillows were his idea. The scratches were mine."

"There HAS to be a giant ball at the end of all this string."

"GPS? In case we get lost? Why would we need that? We're microchipped."

'The butler did it.'

"It's a battle of wills - I'm refusing to do anything for his 'funny cat videos' web page."

"Would you say the pain is more like a me-ow or a me-ouch?"

Cat on a psychiatrist's couch: 'Truth is, I'm not really a cat person.'

Great mouser!

Pet Hobbies

"To stay in or not to stay in...."

"Oooh, look — a penny!"

"Are you going to finish that? I'm auditioning for a 'That Cat Is Too Damn Fat' video."

Cat eyes up cocktail olive.

"John, the story isn't bad but leave those cat picture."

“Putty took a wife. Her name was Possums, and she bore him Little Gentleman, Biddy Boo, Savor Tooth, Fluffy, Harry Cat, and Cesar. Then Little Gentleman begat Little Gentleman II and Friday and Tinkle Toes and Possum Tail and…”

"Like heck I'm doing downward dog."

Kitty Litter

"Making a documentary about a week in the life of a cat has proved to be less challenging than I anticipated."

Uses of a Dead Car in History: '...and probably with a reasonably blunt instrument.'

'Can you believe people actually believe this is a litter box?'

'What are you trying to say, Alan?'

Perusing The Bookshelves For Cute Cats

"This place is still warm from the dryer and centrally located near several mouse holes."

The making of funny cat videos.

The saying of Chairman Meow.

"When I was your age, I had to trudge 20 feet through thick shag carpet to a scratching post!"

Man films uses phone camera. Woman says: 'I fail to see how filming the cat makes you a citizen journalist.'

'I must be losing it. I forgot to try to trip someone walking down the stairs today.'

"'Meow' and 'Purr'? It isn't clever and it isn't funny."

"Wow! With this new device, now I can finally hear what you're thinking!"