Feed Store Shopper Gifts

The cows' grocery list at the feed store was getting longer and longer.

Heavy man sees 'Comfort Food' aisle

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."

"The checkout clerk will now testily remind you to press 'ok'."

'Look, Mum, those loaves have had some babies!'

Attack of the 'health' foods

Friendly bacteria

Organic foods stand manned by stallholder using fly spray.

'I tried those once. They leaked.'

'And this one is just today's grocery list from my wife.'

It all began with free-range chicken. Then it was organic vegetables. Next the farmers decided they should all take a year off to go find themselves.

'Are these mushrooms edible?'

'The stuff legends are made of'

Complex Carbs

"All I've got left is smoked."

'What if your saliva's not organic?'

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

"It's just that I would be more thankful if we had roast beef."

Shepherd buying a shepherd's pie.

"By the time I've read all the nutrition and ingredients information I've lost my appetite!"

Birthday Party Supplies: Plates, Cups, Decorations, Games, Aspirin, Ibuprofen.

"I'm not sure our family's ready for kombucha, hon."

"I need one of them and one of them..."

"What's upscale today, Joey?"

'No, I'm NOT break dancing.'

Generic Products

Fresh Food and Regurgitated

'Face it, 24 hour grocery stores were made for people like us.'

"Louie 'Three Fingers,' Tony 'The Chin,' Joey Alfonso... Dang it, Vinny, you brought me the hit list instead of the grocery list!"

"Someone's gone to look for a price - they won't be long!"

'Hey, thanks for comin' out tonight. All these songs are from our new album, which was inspired by a recent trip to the grocery store...'

"Would you like your milk in a bag?"

'I'm glad you came in today, Mr Rosewine. We just got in a batch of sour grapes.