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'Give it your best shot, Dad. I've had a hard day.'

What did I tell you about covering your bottom when you sneeze?

"Oh, Mrs. Horris, he just said his first words..!"

A baby playing on a grand piano

'I'm just using this while my monster truck is in the shop.'

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

'sugar and spice my eye.'

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

"My inner child feels threatened by my inner baby."

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

'None of the other things had instructions.'

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

"You're six years old and I'm your mother! - I'm SUPPOSED to impose my moral standards on you!"

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

"Everything started when I became a stay-at-home-mom of three little monsters."

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

'Good news dear, the doctor says we're going to have twins.'

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

'You can always tell the pediatricians.'

'Great escapism, Reverend!'

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

"Wet wipe?"

"...Mom, can you get me a glass of wine?"

My changing Body: A Guide For New Fathers

'I think he's proud of his ability to be in the way in more than one room at a time.'

"Ironically, this all started with a little poke on Facebook."

Mother's Day: 2nd Sunday in May, Others Day: Every day before and after the 2nd Sunday in May.

'I know we're not 'almost there,' but I keep asking just to keep her focused.'

'Do you realize that I spend more time out than I do in?'

Kids go to school and mom goes to the psychiatric clinic.

"Will you turn that TV down? Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

"This baby will hold more than a hundred and twenty-five cubic feet of family rancor."

'No Jennifer! I never head of mad broccoli disease.'