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'Give it your best shot, Dad. I've had a hard day.'

"Oh, Mrs. Horris, he just said his first words..!"

A baby playing on a grand piano

'I'm just using this while my monster truck is in the shop.'

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

"My inner child feels threatened by my inner baby."

'sugar and spice my eye.'

'None of the other things had instructions.'

"You're six years old and I'm your mother! - I'm SUPPOSED to impose my moral standards on you!"

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

"Everything started when I became a stay-at-home-mom of three little monsters."

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

'Great escapism, Reverend!'

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

'You can always tell the pediatricians.'

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

'Good news dear, the doctor says we're going to have twins.'

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

"Wet wipe?"

My changing Body: A Guide For New Fathers

'I know we're not 'almost there,' but I keep asking just to keep her focused.'

'I think he's proud of his ability to be in the way in more than one room at a time.'

"...Mom, can you get me a glass of wine?"

'Do you realize that I spend more time out than I do in?'

"Will you turn that TV down? Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

Kids go to school and mom goes to the psychiatric clinic.

"This baby will hold more than a hundred and twenty-five cubic feet of family rancor."

'No Jennifer! I never head of mad broccoli disease.'

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'