Fashionable Fixer Pillows

'I came out to grab a larger size and got locked out of the change room.'

Christmas tree with wadded up lights.

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

Waiting for Pants

Unable to afford scaffolding, Dave ties plungers on his feet to get up a wall.

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

'I knew there was part of the pattern missing!'

'Of course we can fix your sweater but we'll have to contact the sheep to match the wool!'

'They had three puppies and four kids before me: It's almost impossible to find a piece of furniture that hasn't been chewed on...'

Home Business - Printer Ink.

"Now just open wide and relax. Uncle Fred has told me he has a way to fix your braces faster and cheaper than that overpriced orthodontist."

"Kick the machine"

"Dad, I'll assemble yours if you assemble mine."

'They can be a real menace at this time of year.'

"Tell Santa that Rudolph's check engine light is on."

'Maybe you could get dressed faster if you lost that speed bump around your waist.'

Cardiology

"So a plumber charges $600 for 45 minutes' work?! Is that the coolest job or what?!"

"That's really great , but what do you do if you want to remove the nail?"

'It's our last resort.'

"Darling - I can't seem to find the invisible menders..."

'I guess it's official now. No one in this town actually makes anything anymore.'

Despite being dumped by his girlfriend on Christmas Eve, Norman still found a way to pull the crackers despite her absence.

"Did you call someone to come test for margarine residue in the refrigerator?"

Stitches.

Man patching up his bag.