Fashion-forward Uncle Pillows

Plaids set man apart from the lower animals

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

"What you call tricks I call humiliations."

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

'Sorry Ben, I never noticed the baby-sitting clause in the stud contract.'

Dog traps the postman.

'Say... I just had no idea the red haired freckled dutchmen were so good with kids!'

"Charles, look! He’s sending his first text!"

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

"Yes, we're supposed to sing, but not Rap!"

"I'm feeling like there's a 'good boy' on this side of the room."

"Let's try one with your hand tucked into your shirt."

Pianist.

'The MCC celebrate a famous victory' group of dodgy looking old English men holding drinking glasses

"Russia's always bigger than you think."

With Jury Duty for All

Medical Bling: "Help!" on a rope, Important info, O2 4U, Snazzy 3-prong

Mobile Phones

Lesser Known Historical Figures: The Steno at the First Thanksgiving Dinner.

"No sense of smell, ears plugged and eyes fixed on their phones. I'm telling you, if I weren't domesticated I'd be all over that."

President Grant's Civil Service Reform is not to the Taste of Either Party, despite Professed Enthusiasm

Santa Claus walks dogs

Little known fact #244: Cholera was not the #1 cause of death for children on the Oregon Trail

'I didn't spend $49.95 on this answering machine to have you just hang up so leave a message!'

'I realize it's not much of a war, but it's all we can afford right now.'

"Museum directory: Male statues with big d**ks. Female statues with huge tits & fat butts."

99 Dalmations - Edited for television.

The Fad Herald cometh! All hail the arbiter of all things hip. Hear ye. today, a matter of great magnitude. After much deliberation, I am prepared to issue a rare fad correction, and an apology. Two years ago, in a drunken haze, I mistakenly mixed up a 2020 scroll with one meant for 2022. Murmur murmur. Something has felt off. C'mon! The one I mistakenly read in 2020 that should have been read this year … Ripped skinny jeans that cling to the legs like torn Saran Wrap while accentuating the butt

'Enough, George... I let you get the stupid pool. I'm not going to cut your dinner into little pieces and dump it in.'

"My report is on the three branches of government - checks, balances, and subpoenas."

Boris Johnson related to Mummy

Hipster Ventriloquist Convention

These are the quills used to sign the Declaration of Independence! The founding feathers!