Farmhouse Humorist Gifts

"I think you need to work on your pelvic floor exercises, dear!"

Fresh Free Range Eggs, "these eggs are laid by chickens which are allowed to roam and feed freely-indeed to cross the road if they feel like it"

Would you like to explain what this sheepskin is doing in your car?

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"No, I like the plan. Just saying, have you ever done any actual tunnelling?"

'Henrietta is so self-confident.'

A sure sign of rain

'How many times have I told you not to hit the ball with your head?'

'Some dogs are meant to be working dogs and some aren't.'

Dedication to excellence....

'Mother, there's something you're not telling me about that alien invasion, I can feel it!'

'Pass the salt, will ya, buddy?'

"We can do this the easy way or we can do it the hard way ..."

"Static cling."

Alas poor Daisy, I knew her well!

"I'm an enigma!"

"Don't be so dramatic. You tell me you're pregnant every day?"

"And I put it to you Mr. MacDonald, that on the morning of December 3rd, you had cold hands whilst attaching a milking machine to my client's udder!"

'How are you at thinking outside the flocks?'

"You're living in a fantasy world, Nelly. Farmer Dave doesn't know you're alive. Plus, he's a human being, he's married, he's the church pastor and he's secretly gay."

"That was definitely mine."

Emergency room doctor about half cow: 'Farming accident. Be sensitive - she's beside herself.'

Objects in mirror bear no relation to reality.

'Watch out, Dewey! Cow pie!'

'Hey Sally, do these new capris make me look pretentious?'

'Tropical fruit, imported cheese, coconuts...I'm not really into that 'eat locally' stuff.'

'MEN! We've got a fire at the cattle shed! Do we want rare, medium or well done?'

'Wool ewe pullover yourself together.'

'Ok, this sty is great and all, but can we get some huge explosions? Wilbur, could you say 'it's about to get real'?'

Shocking cows and chickens with the ingredients of the cake.

Farmyard Sinatra - "Start spreadin'...Manure

Worse case of chicken pox I've ever seen!

The Mongolian Steps Slinky Cows.

"Start talking."

'With proper flossing there's no reason for hens to not have teeth.'