Fanatic Parent Gifts

'Oh, don't even think about living life vicariously through me!'

Bowled over again!

"No way. Lando, my friend. Lando." "There's no way Lando Calrissian was a better betrayer than Alex Krycek." "Ask any passerby on the street. 9 out of 10 of them won't even know who Alex Krycek is." "That's utter foolishness. Everyone knows Alex Krycek. He was basically the X-Files' anti-Mulder. He could out-weasel Billy D. Williams any day." "Stop!" "When men start arguing over which fictional character was a better betrayer, they have officially run out of things to talk about." "That Kr

You were warned about mixed marriages.

'Son, sometimes I think you don't know your head from your tail. Come to think of it, it is tough.'

'She posted her first blog today.'

Currently Boston

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

Sperm Whale.

Maps to the homes of guys with friends who know some of the limo drivers of the personal trainers of the stars.

"Haven't you a small one that would fit into a soldier's pack?"

Football supporters.

"Damn it, agree to whatever she demands. No matter what it takes, I want my mommy."

"Here are all of my dependents."

'Pack your things we're moving.'

"As fans we are smart enough to understand the game, but not smart enough to realize how unimportant it really is."

Baby Shower

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

'You should give her a bigger breakfast - She's just eaten my thermometer!'

BABY (arrow pointing to belly) BEER (arrow pointing to belly).

'Here's your choice. Grounded for a week or a walk around the Mall with me while I wear this.'

'So, Henry. Just exactly how 'controversial' was that call you made in tonight's game?'

'And then Mindy had the nerve to call me a 'helicopter mom.' Me? In this wonderful jetpack! As if!'

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I might find the colostrum?"

'That's a birthmark, Billy. The doctor gave it to me when you were born.'

"You cheated on the assignment and got an A? Glad to see you've learned a useful life skill."

"Dad, if Mom ever has a boyfriend, I hope he's just like you."

Doctor delivers sonogram results, which include the baby's sex, his claustrophobia, his taste for trashy women...'

'It says 'Take 3 tablets a day'. More helpfully it says 'Keep away from children'...'

'Hello? Roadside assistance? Yes, can you please send someone?'

'If she goes, we go!'

"Now that I've installed two extra fans, my laptop doesn't overheat anymore..."

'Simendinger! Get back to your position and quit hassling the fans.'

'That's a great first effort, kids, but let's try using the napkins from the pantry.'

The von Trappist Family Singers in Concert