Family Therapist Humor Gifts

"This baby will hold more than a hundred and twenty-five cubic feet of family rancor."

Weekday Morning Hell Bingo

"What do I do to relieve stress? I meditate, about not working here."

'The Neurosis Pack.'

'Don't worry about your heart - it will last you till the end of your days. . .!'

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

'Life's little wonders are too big for me.'

"The fact that I have multiple personalities and none of them are computer literate is depressing."

"I knew you'd understand."

"Since you ask, when I'm through here I go home and listen to a bunch of mindless crap on TV."

Psychiatric Clinic. I'm not sure giving a narcissist an hour a week where it's all about him counts as therapy.

"I'm afraid that's a wrap for this session!"

"See? This is what I'm talking about! If you always show how happy you are to see everyone, you give them all the power in the relationship!"

What brings you to therapy, Mr. Jiddury? Social anxiety. That's what Google says it is, anyway. But Google's no doctor. I thought it'd be better to get the opinion of a professional. I see, well, why don't we start the diagnosis by having you hang up your phone, get out of your car and come inside? No, that's ok. I'm good here. You have a lovely parking lot. I've got donuts in here. No, that's ok, I'm good. I've got cracker crumbs on the floor.

"About that insomnia...have you tried counting billable hours?"

Let's try something new, Al. I'll say a word, then you remain mercifully silent for the rest of the hour.

"You dawdle, daydream. You make lists of things to do but can't get started. You seem to be restricted from doing what you know you should be doing. These problems will dissolve when you read Chapter Ten of my new book, at eight dollars and ninety-five cents."

"Would it be possible to speak with the personality that pays the bills."

'Yes, we are going in circles. How do you feel about that?'

'It's not my childhood that traumatised me. It's the size of your bills.'

'Well, no, I wouldn't say I'm a mad cow, although Farmer Brown does get on my nerves once in a while!'

Warning: Cathartic manifestations of childhood trauma next 5 miles

'I have ego issues — at least, I think it's me.'

'Don't worry, I would never tell the other free range chickens you're agoraphobic.'

"You do realise that you are not the only client scheduled this morning?"

"YOUR mother? - Let me tell you about MY mother...."

'I think Mr. Teddy's getting too dependent on me.'

I always felt I should have been born into royalty, Doctor Kapuchnik. If it's any consolation, Al, you're a royal pain.

'Visualize yourself not falling off the wall.'

'The shrink said my holiday was hereditary - my family.'

"I can't afford therapy. The inner child support payments alone are killing me."

Dinosaurs Anonymous

"So, you went up the water spout and the rain came down and washed you out. How did you feel about that and what did you do?"

"You tend to clam up, Wally, you need to come out of your shell!"

"You're right, Carl. Everything does suck."