Family Story Enthusiast T-Shirts

'I never saw a tracer bullet that I didn't admire for color, clarity and swiftness.'

"Your great abuelo Pepe started a business and made a million dollars...but he had a gambling problem and died broke."

"A cousin I hadn't heard from in years died."

True confessions.

'It's really more of a family forest than a family tree.'

"Just kick back and enjoy this. These are the nest years of our lives!"

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"It seems like only yesterday that Dad told me I'll be an adult before I know it."

"When I was young my parents couldn't afford to give me too much, too soon."

"No, son, you’re not ‘M for Mature.’"

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

Children's Party

'Riley, I think it's time you learned the truth... You're adopted.'

"Tell us the one about swift justice, Grandpa."

"Oh, she talk a lot...but only about her children."

"If she thinks I'm just gonna come running on home, wagging my tail behind me..."

'You were a band geek?! Maybe Max will play an instrument!'

"We're not laughing at you, sweetie. We're laughing at something you don't understand."

"Grandpa, how did you ever survive without apps?"

"See those birch trees on the other side of the pond? That’s the exact spot where your mother first called me an idiot."

Wyatt returns home to visit his old small town.

'It is a big day! Ten years ago, yout dad joined the union!'

"But our history was current events when you were at school Dad!"

"The last one is Uncle Charlie. He was pardoned in 1987."

"Oh I remember, it was a particularly cold day and your daddy whispered sweet nothings in my ear. It gave me such a warm feeling inside that I knew he was the one!"

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

'If I want to live happily ever after, grandma, do I have to marry a princess?'

"Oh, you haven’t seen holiday drama ‘till you’ve met our little family."

'It's time you knew the truth. You're not my real son. You're a novelization.'

"Just go ahead. It's my last day here and I hate this place."

'It's a horror-comedy.'

"I'll give you a cookie if you promise to paint me as a pillar among women in your future memoir."

"Before we begin, I think you should all know that I once smoked a reefer in 1935."