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"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

"According to mom the answers are all in this book!" "Too bad there's no pictures at which to look!"

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

'Where was the TSA?'

"No sweetie, it’s a beurk not a book."

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

"Why didn't one of the bears just call 9-1-1 and have that girl arrested for trespassing?"

'First the dinosaurs, now this...'

Little Princess.

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

Biggles has a more staid adventure.

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"Let's see. Seuss... Seuss... Here we go. That's a medium box of bagels and lox and a pop on the rocks by seven o' clock."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"The bear whose porridge was too hot...did he sue?"

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

'The pioneers opened the frontier, but it wasn't legal until brave lawyers blazed the paper trail!'

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

"Is this fiction, non-fiction or historical fiction?"

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

Jacques et Jille

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

"When Mom reads that story, the dragon comes off as a much more sympathetic character."

'It doesn't say what she had for dessert on Thanksgiving. It just says she made a coach out of her pumpkin.'

'Moses parted the water so the Isrealites could go across? You mean in the mud?'

'The cow jumped over the Moon? -- What was SHE on?'

"Why did I start the story with 'Twice upon a time?' Because it's a sequel."

"Is the Itsy Bitsy Spider obsessive-compulsive?"