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"Goodbye Sweetheart. No matter where you go in this life, or what you do, always remember that you signed an N.D.A. with us."

'There's something I never told you about your father, Billy. He was a lawyer.'

"One day you can participate in Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day as a parent."

'I never saw a tracer bullet that I didn't admire for color, clarity and swiftness.'

"...then click 'save settings', scroll down to 'done' and voila! You're on Facebook stalking Miriam's daughter's new husband."

It's time you know the truth about your father.

'It's time you knew, Son -- you were abandoned here as a child by aliens.'

"One day son, all this will probably belong to some little floozy you'll marry."

Now I'll read your father's 6th will and testament, which I'm sure you know may change a few more times.

"Mom, Dad – I’d like you to meet Edna."

'Sparky's amazing ability to speak to humans betrays him...'

"Baldo, let everyone know that Tia Carmen is in the hospital!"

Nerve-racking Chanukah moments

Yeah, I'm taking care of my parents now, too.

"That's your uncle Colin. He's the black sheep of the family."

'The first one didn't work. I need another goodnight kiss.'

"If you have a boyfriend, I have some advice, young lady! Wisdom that's been handed down from generation to generation!"

"...brisket ...recipe. Hide it."

"This is the house I'm growing up in."

'Now you're older, we think it's time you knew that both your father and I and you are adopted.'

Boys watching a christening

Faith is good, health is okay, great family and friends, we live in America!

"And that's how great grandma braided her fish."

"And this was the man I thought was your father until E-Z Pass records proved that he was in New Jersey when you were conceived."

"My kids understand me. I've offered them the same disadvantages I grew up with."

"But, Paw, I don't eat eggs or bacon anymore."

In the old room

"Yes, Henry, you were adopted."

I think that Sadie might be my long lost sister. I have a sister who lives in Boca Raton, FL., who is the mirror image of Sadie. Do you think that God could have made two of them and one got separated at birth? - Caroline R. Actual reader letter. Don't be absurd. Even a divine entity could not have created two women as comely as I am, and ... And? I might have a twin sister! According to a random letter that sounds facetious. To be continued.

"Here's our mission statement. Read it, commit it to memory and then eat it."

"Your great Abuelita Zoraida is coming for a visit! Do you know what that means?"

"It was their idea to make you breakfast in bed."

"Grandma, can we skip the traditional Boo Boo Kissing this time? I sat on a tack."

Ear For Books

"Tio Henry has been going out with Juanita for some time, huh?"