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"Baldo, let everyone know that Tia Carmen is in the hospital!"

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

Tom Hanks

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

The Family Joules: Part 5

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

"I'd leave Redford for George Clooney in a hartbeat."

Hollywood Breakup

"We're going to pay for your obedience school but after that you're on your own."

"We've intended to ask you about it for some time, Doctor, but never got around to it."

"I'm back. My family didn't want to spend more time with me."

"Remind me - if I'm no longer a footballer, and you're no longer a celebrity. . . why are we here?"

Honey, I'm home. Did you change Kyle's diaper?

"What's the best way to break up a marriage?"

Larry King

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

Science Journal. Editor. Ernie, we need a headline that will interest the general public in our artificial supernovas. "Big stars involved in nasty breakups"! (Published originally on March 2, 2009.)

'He didn't learn that from me!'

Morgue - "Welcome to 'Celebrity Autopsy'"

'His dad was!'

Mummy?!

"I can't mow the lawn today. A bug just flew up my nose."

"Mom, when the baby's born, can I have the bubble wrap it's shipped in?"

"Put it on my tab."

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

'Of course the tooth fairy never came. Those were your Grandma's false teeth you put under your pillow.'

'We couldn't afford school pictures this year so Timmy is doing the family portraits.'

"Junior's moved back home! It took him less than a week to work out that the grass is not always greener on the other side..."

Complaints clerk to consumer: A hair in your TV dinner? Maybe it belongs to a celebrity!

'He's got your mother's teeth.'

What brings you to therapy, Mr. Groupeé? You can call me "Booster." Dr. Noodle. Hey, who was that who just left your office? Was that that historian I saw on TV? Herodotus Jenkins? I can't say. He's the best. He come here this time every week? I can't say. And who's that out in the waiting room? Is that Brock Manly of "Fast & Furious 12" fame? I can't say. What brings you here? I heard you treat all the famous people. I just thought it might be nice to know the rich and famous are as messed up a

How Moms explain.