Family Gossip Aficionado Gifts

"Baldo, let everyone know that Tia Carmen is in the hospital!"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

Tom Hanks

"We've intended to ask you about it for some time, Doctor, but never got around to it."

"I'd leave Redford for George Clooney in a hartbeat."

Hollywood Breakup

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"We're going to pay for your obedience school but after that you're on your own."

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

"I'm back. My family didn't want to spend more time with me."

"Remind me - if I'm no longer a footballer, and you're no longer a celebrity. . . why are we here?"

'His dad was!'

"I can't mow the lawn today. A bug just flew up my nose."

Morgue - "Welcome to 'Celebrity Autopsy'"

Mummy?!

'He didn't learn that from me!'

"Mom, when the baby's born, can I have the bubble wrap it's shipped in?"

"What's the best way to break up a marriage?"

"Put it on my tab."

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

'We couldn't afford school pictures this year so Timmy is doing the family portraits.'

How Moms explain.

'He's got your mother's teeth.'

Complaints clerk to consumer: A hair in your TV dinner? Maybe it belongs to a celebrity!

"Junior's moved back home! It took him less than a week to work out that the grass is not always greener on the other side..."

'You know, it's amazing what having a child costs you when you add it all up.'

"If something is neither here nor there, where is it?"