Celebrity Gossip Aficionado Gifts

'Bloody paparazzi' - 'I know, it's at least 40 minutes since I rang them!'

'We interrupt this program for new pictures of Brad and Angelina's baby.'

"I read the judge your TV credits, but you're not a big enough celebrity he could let off!"

Wacko Jacko Heart Attacko No Comebacko

'Well, sure! That's different!'

It was then that Jerry realized he may have a drinking problem.

'So much for high definition TV!'

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

'This device helps me determine what my dog is thinking. He thinks Bob Barker should mind his own business.'

'These celebrity divorces are always a messy business.'

'Kim Kardashian must be depressed about her weight gain. She hasn't tweeted any naughty pictures of herself in hours.'

'Five iron.'

Tiger Woods.

'I knew the relationship was over when I started fantasising about Miley with her clothes on!'

Brad Pitt's diary

'I don't think I can face coming into the office today . . . Jordan has split up with Alex Reid. . . It's like Tom and Nicole all over again... I've been in floods of tears since I woke up.'

'Would madam care to see the menu, or would she prefer to peruse the inane twitterings of so-called celebrities.'

Tom Hanks

On-screen, she was the idol of millions. Off-screen, she was just a bitch.

"For something more useful, hopefully."

"It's so sad when a celebrity portmanteau breaks up."

"Why are these reality show stars so famous? They're sneaky! They're conniving! They're evil!"

"You'd have thought they'd have all slept with each other by now."

"I can't see that relationship lasting...!"

"This journey wasn't necessary."

"I'm running for congress to be a media celebrity. If you want a legislator, vote for a lobbyist!"

"Totally! You both have the exact same features! Only on you, they don't look so good."

"Lenny, you've been called the king of sleaze, the biggest jerk in the universe, a big sack of garbage. But tell us: Who's the real Lenny Lewis?"

"Notice how they grow away from the incandescent-light source and towards the malicious celebrity gossip."

"I'd leave Redford for George Clooney in a hartbeat."

To Get Pardoned by Trump, Become a Celeb

Amber Herd

Zeitgeist Final Four

You're in big, big trouble, you old coot. Give me a break. I'm clean. But you won't be. Meaning what? You won't get away with it. You will pay dearly for your eventual infidelities! How dare you! How dare I?! Look!

"What's the best way to break up a marriage?"