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"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

"Kids! Empty Nest blues when they leave home, empty purse blues when they don't."

'And quit referring to your room as the rehab center.'

"How do you like our new smart water hose? It knows when you're dirty and hoses you off before you come into the house."

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

Adam and Eve: Reconcilable Differences

"Use your inside scream."

"And remember, it's important to wake them up at hourly intervals."

"I became a mentor because I needed more direction in life."

"Great, now we're lost."

World's Best Dad. I don't know. I thought they were with you. World's Best Mom.

'Sorry, he can't come out and play. He's grounded.'

"It's from the children. They'd like us to let them in."

'If he hasn't got a name yet, how do we know he's ours?'

'None of the other things had instructions.'

'Don't be so sensitive,I only dozed of for a moment.'

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

"Everything started when I became a stay-at-home-mom of three little monsters."

'Go forth and multiply!'

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

Mommy and daddy Are Always Right!

Mrs. Almighty.

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

"I didn't hear the full story, but you came from either the stork or ebay."

'Does it bother you that I use wadded tissues as pillows?'

Are we going to raise her as a cat person or a dog person?

My changing Body: A Guide For New Fathers

'Do you realize that I spend more time out than I do in?'

"Ironically, this all started with a little poke on Facebook."

"Don't you think after thirty years of marriage you could stop referring to me as 'the military'?"

'I think he's proud of his ability to be in the way in more than one room at a time.'

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Send your questions to asksadie@rudypark.com. Dear Ask Sadie, My mom is always nagging me to clean my room. I don't see why I should have to. I like it the way it is. I don't nag at her for having a clean room, because I know that's how she likes it. How can I get her to just let me be me? - Unhappy at Home. Excellent question. The thing is, it's your mother's job to shape you into a respectable person. If you think "being you" includes being dirt

"Does it come with instructions?"

Kids go to school and mom goes to the psychiatric clinic.