Family Illness Gifts

"I've taken the liberty of telling my dying mother that I already got the job."

"Well, my paycheck barely pays the bills, I might need a second job, my wife is on my case, and my dad's in the hospital."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Have you been on the moon again, young man?"

Cry babies.

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

A baby duck in a tiny car seat on the mother duck's back.

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

The Baby Walker

'Ahhh...'

"Look Mommy, hat!"

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"There was no other choice, Mom. It was a double dog dare."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

My First Camera

'Honey, where's my cell phone?'

"The water changes them back into babies. I think they call it the Fountain of Youth."

"I'm sorry, Ms. Cole is busy balancing family and career. Can I take a message and have her call you back?"

Pregnant lady being greeted by foetus.

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"You mustn't pull the cat's tail so hard it tugs the head inside, sweetie!"

Impressing dad.

"I'd like to get my hands on whoever coined the phrase 'sleeps like a baby'."

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

Mom! Don't call me abominadorable in front of my friends!

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

Baby knocks old lady out with pram toy.

'I work two jobs and have three kids. At the end of the day I am exhausted. Do you have anything that is not sexy and just smells good.'