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"Your wife gets custody of the children."

'How do you know I won't shrink if I didn't come with a washing instructions tag?'

"I'm taking 'moving back in with the parents' studies."

'sugar and spice my eye.'

'It may not be your feng shui, but it's my feng shui.'

'None of the other things had instructions.'

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

'With my degree in law and in physics, I hope to create resonable doubt.'

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

You can't focus on the cost of raising a child. True. They do have benefits. Mom! The glue spilled into your underwear drawer! Dad! Where's the toilet plunger? Though nothing specific leaps to mind.

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

"Everything started when I became a stay-at-home-mom of three little monsters."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"I'm Mr. Trump's attorney and this is my attorney. Once his attorney arrives, we can begin."

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

'officially, I'm on leave, but I'm really just ducking the media.'

My changing Body: A Guide For New Fathers

"This baby will hold more than a hundred and twenty-five cubic feet of family rancor."

Reason #149 for making sure the whole family wears seat belts: It helps keep the kids quiet.

Coping during the 6 weeks school holidays.

"Will you turn that TV down? Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

"Ironically, this all started with a little poke on Facebook."

'I think he's proud of his ability to be in the way in more than one room at a time.'

'Do you realize that I spend more time out than I do in?'

"Wet wipe?"

Kids go to school and mom goes to the psychiatric clinic.

Mother's Day: 2nd Sunday in May, Others Day: Every day before and after the 2nd Sunday in May.

'No Jennifer! I never head of mad broccoli disease.'

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

"I'm sorry, Tom... but you don't Chronic Fatigue Syndrome if it only when you're going to see your inlaws."