Family Comedy Fan Gifts

"I'm recording this so next time I swear, you'll know where I got it from."

'Honey, the babysitter's here.'

"Hey Mom! Has the freezer gone out?"

"I have my very own ATM password."

Zombie & Son

'My dad cut it. My mother repaired it. Now, I'm looking for some professional maintainance.'

Lucky 'gets paid' for years of loyal service

"Here comes the cutest girl in school! Quick! Act like you're not my parents!"

"Dad! Some nosy little pain in the butt has been in my room snooping around again."

"I don't need to have my teeth cleaned. My mom just washed out my mouth with soap!"

"Grandma, I have to bring an antique to school. Can I borrow your flip phone?"

"Yes. After all these years, I'm finally back in the fatherland."

"Hi, you are through to the bank of Mum and Dad."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

Suffering from Cooties?

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

Dad Trophies

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

Rabies on board - a couple of rabid babies.

'Why is it taking so long to eat your soup?'

The Family Joules: Part 5

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'Since we're being so honest, perhaps I should mention that I liked you better as an egg.'

"Good news. It wasn't a toxic chemical leak. It was an old pizza in your kid's room."

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"So kids, you got work from your teachers right?"

"I'll bet you're very proud of your handsome, well-behaved little sporks here."

"We've intended to ask you about it for some time, Doctor, but never got around to it."

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"

"We're going to pay for your obedience school but after that you're on your own."