Families Gifts

"And remember, have your parents ask their doctor if Ambulex is right for them."

"If you want to be more like Mom and Dad, kids, you've got to start pounding down those Shirley Temples."

'Sorry kids, we're downsizing to a flip-flop!'

"I guess we'd be considered a family. We're living together, we love each other, and we haven't eaten the children yet."

"Kids, your mother and I have spent so much money on health insurance this year that instead of vacation we're all going to go in for elective surgery."

'Why are you so obnoxious?' 'Heredity!'

Getting the Christmas Tree Home.

'It's a sunset, Billy. It's not selling anything.'

"No letters to Santa this year. Just tell the tree what you want."

'Someday, Mr. Nicky Copernicus, SOMEDAY you'll learn that the world doesn't revolve around YOU!'

'I'll let you in on a little secret, son: If you're really, REALLY careful, absolute power only corrupts a little bit.'

Playground by and for kids.

"Careful—some of our children's firearms are manufactured in plants that also process nuts and nut products."

Three favourite words: Back to school.

"You'll be pleased to know you haven't got any homework this evening."

'Don't talk on the phone with your mouth full.'

We're looking for a great environment to raise our kids in.

"Please, Daddy, just one more conspiracy theory."

'I assumed he'd know to eat the cone last.'

"We're a great team, Sash—you with your small and large motor skills, me with my spatial awareness and hand-eye coördination."

Biker family

Frank integrates the modern, poll-driven, finger-in-the-wind brand of politics into his parenting style.

Additions to the Rainbow Curriculum

"How much is that in years of tuition?"

'Who turned up the thermostat?'

"I need attention! Does anybody have any?"

La Brea Ball Pits

"Do you accept these terms and conditions?"

"If it's so good for you....couldn't it smell good too?"

Continue eating. Pay no attention to me. I'm from the food and drug administration.

"'See Spot run.' 'See Spot run?' Who wrote this crap?"

'With four voracious teenagers in the house, we decided to get six dairy cows and milking machines.'

"Daddy! Daddy! American planes bombed a key rail depot near Hanoi and knocked out a power station today in a record number of strikes for the third consecutive day!"

'364 and 1/2 days until Christmas!'

"I had to leave the lid off the cookie jar so my pet frog doesn't suffocate."