Fake-it-til-you-make-it Expert Pillows

"The figures would seem to indicate that you're not really a scientist."

'My imaginary playmate can whip your imaginary playmate!'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

"Haven't you wondered why I live about 50 years longer thank you?"

"I haven't the slightest idea who he is. He came bundled with the software."

Jerry's 'culture-vulture' persona was plunged into jeopardy when he mistook a light switch for a modern art installation.

"Yep, first the gold run out, then the microchip manufacturing went overseas."

"Hello, and welcome to 'Homes Under the Hammer. . .'"

"Having our team all work on the same page has been a lot more difficult since our company has gone paperless."

>Enter new password: BEEF STEW >Password not stroganoff.

"Dude. You need to get cable."

Ventriloquist's dummy reads 'Computers for dummies'.

"Fantasic wedding, great reception"

'I got a new lawn-mowing app for my cell phone.'

"In all the years I’ve endured your presence, I have never once heard you mention your mother." "It’s almost as if you think you sprang fully formed from the bowels of the earth." "When’s the last time you called your mother?" "December 2, 1992." "The day before text messaging was introduced." "Ingrate!!!"

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

"It's cooties."

If you rotate the corporate ladder by 90 degrees, you end up with monkey bars.

"And another thing...you guys are goofing off way too much at the charging station."

"You won't get an email if you didn't get a second interview. We'll text you a rejection emoji!"

'I lost my homework on the cloud.'

'The diagnostic computer thinks it's a punishment from God.'

Vinnie Calhoun, the texting ventriloquist.

"I'm very good at acting like I know what I'm doing."

'This homework is a disgrace. I'd like a note from your computer.'

"I want you to order a more powerful computer. I typed in your name, hit delete but you're still here."

"I downloaded the Laugh Track app yo soften mom when I give her my lame excuse."

Computer clown.

"Well at least they can't see your lips move."

"Nails? - Certainly sir. How long do you want them. . . ?"

"Behold, as I guide our conversation to my narrow area of expertise."

"Of the whole crew, only the Captain was hooked up to the net"

!Now this, for those of you who have never met one, is what we call a client!"

'I forward email jokes - therefore I am.'