Self-proclaimed Expert Pillows

"Behold, as I guide our conversation to my narrow area of expertise."

"Is it your intention to seethe for the next four years?"

"With the caveat that the only certainty in this life is uncertainty, I still want to entertain the possibility of being a pundit when I grow up."

Trivia Night in Apartment 8-G

Pull the udder one

'School of hard knocks.'

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

"The figures would seem to indicate that you're not really a scientist."

"I said, the brewery has rather overdone the ambiance in here..."

This is your last warning, Jimmy - You break your pinky promise, we break your pinky.

If I survive this, I'm reinventing myself as a television pundit.

My husband is a world expert, but unfortunately it's only on maganese bronze.

'Don't give up Albert - one of these cans has to have tuna in it!'

"What qualifies you to be a ballistics expert?"

Let the profit-making begin!

If you rotate the corporate ladder by 90 degrees, you end up with monkey bars.

"All we've come up with so far is that new meatloaf."

A Vet? I had you picked in advertising.

"Your favourite and my favourite...whose name escapes me at the moment..."

"I pledge allegiance to the flag...oh sorry, to honour and obey...on no that's not it..I name this ship.."

'I make a great business consultant because I'm too smart to have a business of my own.'

"Here it is, world! Extra-terrestrial intelligence! Me!"

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and I think I've got bovine spongiform encephalitis."

"As a forensic psychologist, it's my opinion that the defendant is not a risk to the public. Any more passive-aggressive questions?"

"So, how long have you two been in Ghana studying the apes?"

Expert and Ex-Pert

Yeah, he laughs, but only at his own jokes.

Wordilly Durdillies - Straw Pole

"The What It All Comes Down To Show"

"In my expert medical opinion, you are suffering from hypochondria."

"Gurus are the next peak over. This is the Wisdom of the Crowd."

To counteract the pub bore Al cultivated the ancient art of sleeping with his eyes open.

"Okay, so I'm not REALLY a cardiologist, but I think I can spell it, K-A-R-D. . . I think there's an L in it too. Anyway, this thing really is the size of my fist. Cool."

'I've already diagnosed myself on the web but I thought I'd come in for a second opinion.'

"Under self-isolation rules, you can make a start on reading your impressive range of pretentious books, can't you?"