Self-diagnosis Expert Pillows

'I've already diagnosed myself on the web but I thought I'd come in for a second opinion.'

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and I think I've got bovine spongiform encephalitis."

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

"Face it, Clive - you're bald."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

"Watch carefully...it hurts when I do this."

Trivia Night in Apartment 8-G

'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

'My outer self loves your inner self, but my inner self can't stand your outer self.'

'Don't worry! If your self diagnosis turns out to be correct this time, this will take care of it.'

Man looking down long telescope at himself.

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

'My patients are picking up so much medical knowledge through the media that I feel more like their consultant than their doctor.'

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

"You choose now to suddenly become romantic?"

'Our health plan consists of an hour of free web time to self-diagnose.'

'Four out of five websites disagree with your diagnosis.'

Tunnel of Anxiety

"Your internet researched analysis of your condition and treatment is impressive,and it would be 100% on target...if you were a goat!"

You have a hangover!

'I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid!'

"So, when you looked up your symptoms, did it say to complain about it incessantly but never seek treatment?"

"I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I'm worried that I might be dead."

"Behold, as I guide our conversation to my narrow area of expertise."

"ER says she was Googling diseases."

"Is it your intention to seethe for the next four years?"

St Ninian, patron saint of hypochondriacs

"Let's make a deal, doc. I'll stop diagnosing myself on the internet when you start making house calls again."

'I'm feeling GREAT but I'm worried that might just be a SYMPTOM!'