Satirical Culinary Expert Pillows

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'The Burrito King.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

A Club Sandwitch.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

Garlic Free Zone.

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'