Tool Misfit Humorist Pillows

Redundant Weapon

A DIY disaster.

'Does this thing get channel four.'

Electric Blanket.

'...And, from what I understand, they don't have any hard drive at all.'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Fishing - No. VIII

'Your car should run fine now. I reformatted the hard drive, increased the ram, scanned for viruses, updated the firmware, upgraded to this year's processor...'

Buy Back the Junk We Bought at Your Garage Sale

Hanley Fabric Co., Polly-Esther

"One man's garbage is another man's best friend's treasure..."

I'm a bolt, dummy! Does everything look like a nail to you?!

'Found your problem - there was a hairball in the gasline.'

Every time one of us gets a new head, those two think it's funny to call it "the changing of the gourd."

"Gesundheit."

'And that's Mel. To be honest, I've always found him to be a hard person to nail down!'

The disgruntled employees were brought down with tranquilizer darts, ending the worst pillow fight in recent memory.

Auto Mechanic's Confessional Booth

Breaking down cardboard

Witness Protection Program

The Rarely Seen Gas-Powered Eel

"They said it had a V-8, so I assumed it would run on tomato juice!"

'I think I found your missing nut.'

'Batteries not included, it's a real cat.'

"I'm not sure how to tell you this, Glenda, but you've been sitting on a golf ball for the last three times."

"Nails? - Certainly sir. How long do you want them. . . ?"

"One CC of lubricant after meals, okay?"

"Do you have anything in a smaller size?"

'Try it now.'

"And I say they're girl bolts, cause guy bolts usually have two nuts."

Hammer chases nails

'I know my electric bills are way over due, but could you at least wait until the World Series is over before turning off my electricity?'

'Welcome to Lourdes'

This ones causing problems with the barcode machine!

"I'm writing a book on everything I don't know about technology. It's a lot longer than I originally thought."

Voice-activated computer cannot distinguish between buy and sell.