Tool-time Jokester Pillows

"Nails? - Certainly sir. How long do you want them. . . ?"

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

A DIY disaster.

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'We have Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry on your choice of Cedar, Oak or Elm cone...'

A crab with a utility knife claw

"I haven't the slightest idea who he is. He came bundled with the software."

"I think you should hire me for my vast software knowledge. . . and then pay for me to go learn software."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'The problem seems to be in the memory bank.'

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

"Having our team all work on the same page has been a lot more difficult since our company has gone paperless."

>Enter new password: BEEF STEW >Password not stroganoff.

"Nice try, Frank. Mother is still coming for the weekend."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"You idiots … we lost!"

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"Come on, dear...you can't blame everything on Russian hackers."

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

"Dude. You need to get cable."

"Your Covid-19 Test Results Are In..."

Scottish Independence: The Union Jock.

The Screeeen!

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'