Tool-time Jokester Pillows

"Nails? - Certainly sir. How long do you want them. . . ?"

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

A DIY disaster.

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

'We have Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry on your choice of Cedar, Oak or Elm cone...'

A crab with a utility knife claw

"I haven't the slightest idea who he is. He came bundled with the software."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"I think you should hire me for my vast software knowledge. . . and then pay for me to go learn software."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'The problem seems to be in the memory bank.'

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

"Having our team all work on the same page has been a lot more difficult since our company has gone paperless."

>Enter new password: BEEF STEW >Password not stroganoff.

"But, Mom, how can it be a vacation when you're taking me to school?"

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep and with the sun if I've found death, please excuse my morning breath.

Isn't it cool? I printed out my reply to your raise request using the 3-D printer! NO!

"Nice try, Frank. Mother is still coming for the weekend."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"You idiots … we lost!"

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"Come on, dear...you can't blame everything on Russian hackers."

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

"Dude. You need to get cable."

Scottish Independence: The Union Jock.

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

The Screeeen!

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'