Faithful Financier Gifts

'A tithe is defined as a tenth of your income, Mr. Talmadge -- not ten percent of whatever you happen to have in your pocket on Sunday morning!'

'I'll be seeing you again right after our Quarterly Earnings Report.'

'A wonderful sermon, father; I liked the part about a time to sew and a time to reap. When would you say I should cover the naked December calls I sold last month?'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

The Stock Market Giveth. . . The Stock Market Taketh Away.

'I bet he gets a better rate of interest than me!'

Remember, a wise man said: "All Investments Are Faith Based."

"And may the Lord in his wisdom see to it that we get our hands on some of that government scratch."

"I'm going to need a receipt."

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

"You state here that God is the head of your organization. Any chance you could get Him to co-sign this application?"

"Yes, reverend, all our stocks are faith-based.2

Does God favour those with a balanced portfolio ?

'It's not quite as bad as it looks - they're only witholding payment until we publish our expenses.'

'Could I get back to you on that one? My broker says my stock went back up!'

'The buck stops here'

"I'm not tipping God till my prayer's answered!"

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

"Sorry, stock-market jitters."

'Sorry mate. Your church doesn't meet the minimum building code.'

'Hello, Pastor Parker here. Thank you for calling moral support. Your call may be monitored to ... '

"Because of the economic situation they've relaxed the rules."

"Before we discuss your loan, Mr Carlson, perhaps you'd like to spend a few moments with out bank chaplain."

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

The church of our lady of wall street.

Vicar prays for money for church repairs.

'I know we're laying up treasures in Heaven, but I still think you should talk to the Church Board about your pension,'

Man prays: 'Lord help me to be humble, and I want that by 10am Monday.'

"I won't ask you what you're using for bait . . . what are you using for a line."

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

I'm going to say my prayers. Should I play the same lotto numbers?

Man to man: 'I turned down a raise because I'm afraid of heights.'

'I received your cheque twice, once from you and once from the bank.'

How to Succeed in Business - Strategy 2: Build relationships at the highest level.

'The market was down today substantially on fears that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.'