Compassionate Financier Gifts

'We put the little old lady of Threadneedle Street into a care home.'

Charities should investigate whether published reports are 'Misleadingly Positive'.

3 cents glass - Exact change please, seller can't count.

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

"Because of the economic situation they've relaxed the rules."

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

Really? You're hiring me back to replace the robot you just replaced me with? I've had a change of heart, minion. It may be cheaper to automate my café. But it dawned on me that robots don't buy very many drinks. Plus, as much as I try to let the bottom line guide me, I am, deep down, a very compassionate man. I couldn't bear the thought of you being poor and miserable. Maybe he's not such a bad man. Plus, one accidental incineration of a customer and the authorities get all weird about it.

'I bet he gets a better rate of interest than me!'

The scales between gluttony and hunger

"Before we discuss your loan, Mr Carlson, perhaps you'd like to spend a few moments with out bank chaplain."

No safe haven

'You spoil those pigeons.'

'Apart from illiteracy, low self esteem, homelessness, poverty and a broken home. I can't find any reason for his offending behaviour!'

'Could I get back to you on that one? My broker says my stock went back up!'

'Mr. Willinston, whose depression has been giving him a fit lately, will see you now.'

"Don't - they'll just spend it on drugs."

Help - "What's in it for me?"

'I received your cheque twice, once from you and once from the bank.'

'A wonderful sermon, father; I liked the part about a time to sew and a time to reap. When would you say I should cover the naked December calls I sold last month?'

Africa

Self Harm Support.

Give To Tsunami's Victims.

The Minor Issue

'I'll be seeing you again right after our Quarterly Earnings Report.'

The Stock Market Giveth. . . The Stock Market Taketh Away.

"You know what I think, folks? Improving technology isn't important. Increased profits aren't important. What's important is to be warm, decent human beings."

"Thank you sir. Here is your receipt."

Psychiatrist catches patient's depression.

'Papi, kids at school are saying Nora and I are illegal...'

"I'll invest, but you must promise none of my money will go towards that Robert Mugabe."

'It's not quite as bad as it looks - they're only witholding payment until we publish our expenses.'

"Papi, I need a cash infusion of $100 because recent disruptions in the market are straining my cash flow."

Business men in street looking at poster, "It must be hard living in a country where the rich and the powerful completely ignore the needs of the less fortunate"

'A tithe is defined as a tenth of your income, Mr. Talmadge -- not ten percent of whatever you happen to have in your pocket on Sunday morning!'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"