Fairytale Humorist Gifts

"To receive your 3 wishes, please fill out our online form."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Think I preferred the old Irish barman.'

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"I said slime."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Glance Exchange

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"It's just a tree."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

A bird plays the flute to a cat.

"How about a hand."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'You can't come in here with that.'

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'