Fairy Tale Cynic Gifts

"And with magic beans!"

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"You're telling me I should leave the artists' commune that saved me from my stepmother's tyrannical elitism, where I have seven boyfriends, to become the impotent figurehead of another unjust power structure?"

The Forever Stamp

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

Dentist Trip

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"We'll always hate Paris."

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

Will Self deprecation

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

"Die alone"

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, for whatever that's worth these days.'