Fairy Tale Cynic Gifts

And they lived happily ever after for a few years until the quirks they found so cute in each other when they were dating eventually drove them both insane the end.

"And with magic beans!"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Nihilistic customer service"

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

The Forever Stamp

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"You're telling me I should leave the artists' commune that saved me from my stepmother's tyrannical elitism, where I have seven boyfriends, to become the impotent figurehead of another unjust power structure?"

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Dentist Trip

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

Will Self deprecation

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

"We'll always hate Paris."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

Tunnel of what passes for love these days. Tickets.

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Bush vs. America

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, for whatever that's worth these days.'