Expense Extraordinaire Pillows

'My expense account isn't what it used to be. So for lunch I'm taking you fishing, and we'll eat what we catch.'

Profit

I drive, therefore I am.

EXTROVERTS ANONYMOUS

"Stop applying! You've been accepted to three universities!"

"I'm not sure if that bill is correct or not, sir. We just throw a bunch of charges on there to see which ones stick."

'Look at the bright side. Think of our mutual funds going up, up, up!'

"What already?! If it weren't for my extraordinary willpower, I'd be exercising right now!"

'Anyone can get to school on time if he tries hard enough, Eddie.'

"You spoil that dog."

'I'm sorry, but the only person Mr. McCoy is looking to hire right now is a good criminal defense lawyer. But I'll be happy to pass you resume on to him.'

'So in what year did you graduate from the school of hard knocks?'

"Hey! Great haircut!!

"And then he said he wanted $50,000 for it."

"Damn! - Someone's beaten me to it..!"

"What A Party."

'Alice Ferguson can think of more excuses for her golf score! Today it was labor pains!'

By changing the negative sign to positive...

'Never mind your ideas.. how do you come up with your excuses?'

'Egomania, you say? How on earth did you diagnose me so quickly?'

'Get Rich' Stock Brokers and 'Get Even' Attorney-at-law.

"Folsom's seasick, sir."

Colin was the life and sole of any party...

Post-Pandemic Party

"Fruit salad? Count me in!"

'I was doing REALLY well, and then I sleepwalked last night and at a 20-pound bag of potatoes!'

'Tell me why I should excuse you from serving on jury duty. Be careful what you say. I have been trained to read between the lies.'

Buddy believed that successful presentations began with the entrance.

"Miss Lopez said she wanted the best student in class to stand up and read their English essay. Then she asked me to do it!"

'I tried to do my term paper, but the video store doesn't have ANYTHING about the Spanish-American War!'

'From living beyond our means, we've gone to living beyond our wildest expectations!'

Man cutting his son out of his will and sending his valuable paintings to the blind asylum

"I've never seen you work so hard."