Expense Analyzer Gifts

Financial Advisor. How would you describe your income and outgo? Instant conversion.

'Hello, Doc Barnes? I just got your bill. You've just bought yourself a cow.'

'I want to claim for black marker pens.'

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

Stephen King's latest horror novel: 'Healthcare reform debate'

Consortia set to take over

Bookkeeping Club

"I've been working on the household budget."

"Unfortunately as the law stands at the moment 13 pints and a curry because you had a crap day isn't tax deductible!"

Creationist president: 'We have to cut the budget, so I'm keeping the astrologer, and letting thge astronomer go.'

'On jobless...on foreclosed...on worry and insomniac!'

"About your self employed expenses, do you do anything purely for pleasure?"

'How come you're questioning my petrol bill?'

Just remember, don't claim for lunch unless I was with you.

Excess Baggage: Sometimes, your plane ticket is the least expensive part of the trip.

'Can you make good money as a salesman for our company? Let's put it this way - look around you!'

"What else can I claim on my expense account?"

"You're a Democrat. Aren't you supposed to be liberal with money?"

I'm not worried about taking it with me .. I'd just like it to last until I go.

'This Investment Portfolio is an extravagant waste of money! Oh hold on... that's my expense account!'

'We've had our new simplified gas bill!'

"Step in here Kimble, I'd like a word with you about your expense account."

'I hope you don't mind ordering the free bread and water. My expense account isn't what it used to be.'

"I'm sorry but a fat, guzzling wife cannot be classed as a consumable."

'Thank you for you car expense claim . . .why are you wearing bicycle clips?'

"Sorry, if you want a dial tone, there will be an extra charge on your phone bill"

'If people are supposed to live within their means, why are there such things as overdrafts?'

"...here you go!"

'What's their problem...why don't they just cut back a bit on expenses...fly business for a few weeks, trim the partner conference?'

'I'm always living within my means. I just cannot seem to break out.'

"Terry's dad gives him £5 a week pocket money, plus all the beer he can drink"

I tried to make ends meet but I'm a poor judge of distance. Due now. Bill. Bill. Due. Due now.

'Sorry. In the time it took you to get out your credit card the price of smokes went up another 30 cents.'

'Finally have an expense account and I'm always on a diet.'