Expecting Hilarity Pillows

'Oh no! We're being spammed again!'

'I felt it put it's little boot in then!'

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

Congratulations! When are you due?

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

"In normal circumstances a full state pension would be an automatic..."

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

You and your alternative pregnancy.

Just your average family holiday portrait.

"Amazing. For the fifth consecutive month the polling shows I'm the most popular foetus here."

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Break Water'

Man on desert island sees tightrope walker on horizon.

"Okay, okay - I'll keep my day job!"

No, when I said "Who has Van Gogh's ear?" I was asking whose advice he follows.

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

'I seem to be very conservative but secretly, I'm a rebel - I don't wear pants.'

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

"OMG! They're eating noses!"

"I mistakenly stood in the doorway when kids sunday school released."

'Why not just serve Thanksgiving dinner in the shoe department next year and be done with it??'

Car with upright Christmas tree.

"Oh, oh!!"

"That was the vet - the cat's pregnant, not me."

"It's okay mate, I only need the cork from your bottle."

"Unexpected Spanish Inquisition in bagging area ..."

"The baptism is Sunday, and not a moment too soon, I might add."

'I encourage natural childbirth - gently coaxing the baby into the world. If that fails, I go with brute force and intimidation.'

Cleaning Pig 'They're actually very clean animals.'

'The hunger pains are only one T.V. commercial apart.'

'Dogs love kids because our faces are always within licking reach.'

"Except for that time he pecked my eyes out he's been a good bird."

'We want to thank you, Doc...The bag worked!'

"Your baby should be arriving on this date. I just emailed you the tracking number."

"What about letting your hair air dry?"

'I'm being let go. Twenty years I give this place, and that's the thanks I get.'