Expectation Subverter Gifts

'Ah ha, just as I expected...BOOM!'

"Great! I must be growing. The womb was less than half full last week."

"Can't we ride off in another direction?"

Workers are running out of one door labeled 'Reactive Business Intelligence,' while another worker in the next room sits calmly behind a door with a sign that reads, 'Proactive Business Intelligence.'

'The score is tied and we've only got a 20-second timeout, so we've gotta be quick. ... I'm 'X'. Who wants to be 'O'?'

"Hiya, sweetie! Don’t mind us..!" "We’re here to protect you from boys in girls restrooms..!" "What’s in the basket..?"

"This says you should expect to spend six months and at least $800 building the perfect lowrider bike."

"It looked better on pinterest."

The Bland Leading the Bland

'Almost done.'

"Harvey's staying with shoulders."

'Well, what did you expect?'

"I'm off carbs, dairy and fat. Basically I order a pizza and eat the box."

Frosty Had It Coming, See?

'I see you opened it yourself, but there'll still be a service charge.'

'Gay Squirrels!'

"Well, who's it from? I don't take blind submissions."

"Run to the store and buy me a tub of ketchup!"

"He's growing up too fast. Instead of hearing a fairytale, he wants to know about rights in the workplace."

Why Do We Always Want Something Better For Our Children Than What We Had For Ourselves?

Wedding Car Cans chase down a car.

I'm just sittin ghere updating my resume and recalibrating my expectations.

The Misleading Wine Fridge

"I got what I wanted, but it wasn't what I expected."

"I hate poems. They're boring and pretentious."

"I'm a wunderkind slash flop."

Couples compare their ambitions for their future children.

"Your great Abuelita Zoraida is coming for a visit! Do you know what that means?"

Santa, red in tooth and claw.

"Please, Mr. Herrkof is so formal. Just call me Lord and Master."

Postman worries that there is a big dog in the doghouse - turns out to be a small dog with big eyes...

"Where does he get all his ideas?"

"Yes, it's a girls drink. But the fact that I'm an alcoholic makes it hardcore."

'The girl I marry is going to have a condominium, a house in the country, a fancy car, and a good job to pay for it all.'