Executive Joker Gifts

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'It's a simple two-part strategy. First, locate the hills. Then head for them.'

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Miss Adamson, pluck someone from nowhere and put him in a position of responsibility."

'The Board's meeting at nine O'clock - you bring the smoke, I'll bring the mirrors.'

'You may be chairman of the board, but the ethics committee would still like to talk to you about your trip to Vegas.'

"Congratulations. I'm promoting you from 'Yes Man' to 'Vice President in Charge of Affirmation.'"

Fifty years later, it dawned on Marv that Ernie had never said 'no tag backs'.

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

'Asynchronous, collaborative, interactive - we're obviously on a roll.'

'Try and be negative in a positive way.'

"Your mother called to remind you to diversify."

"If Google Translate is correct, they want our women and our cattle."

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

'Bad news, sir -- there's a leak in our think tank!'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'Please leave the light on, dear. I'm afraid there might be OSHA inspectors under the bed.' 'Managers at Night.'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

'Before we start, shall we go round the table, and each share our name and a horrible dark secret from our past.'

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"

'What's the smallest budget you can manage on?' 'The most you can give me!'

'Careful, that's where the boss keeps his ego.'

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'You're off the plane, Hal. Put the laptop on your desk.'

Check zombies.

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

"I'm giving you a 300% salary increase, and four months paid leave."

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'