Evolutionary Humor Pillows

"I used to be a hunter and gatherer. But since retirement I'm mostly a drinker."

"We're following Carrot Top."

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'I got tired of wet feet all the time.'

"Of course it's not clean energy -- We don't have clean ANYTHING!"

'Sorry - The position has already been filled."

Warning! Stay off the biotech lawn.

"Don't worry - you've got to expect a few midge bites on holiday..."

'Catch a pair of chimps and do a complete makeover on them.'

It's on. My new favorite game show! Welcome to: Garbage, recycling or compost?! Dana from New York you can walk away with $10,000 or try to double the green! Double, please. Okay, Dana, here's your object: A takeout container from a local restaurant. Garbage, recycling or compost? Geez. I'm guessing it would depend on whether it's got some cardboard or it's fully biodegradable. Final answer? Recycling. Wrong. Garbage! I knew it. Ridicule her! You've lost your green, loser! I'm sorry. I try so ha

"The doctor will see you now."

"Wait, that's not a star. That's just an alien whose phone has its flashlight on."

Now do you believe in global warming?!

'Is the fire included?'

World of Cow - Goldfish aren't the only ones to grow into their environments.

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

Prepare to meet thy recycler.

'My student had the hiccups...'

'I want to be the first person to land on the sun.'

'Ha, ha! -- Neanderthals can't jump!'

The evolution of triathletes.

Soup art attack

"If global warming is real, then why are winters so cold?"

'You get all the money and both cars? How is THAT fair?'

'I always try to get him to come out and have a drink with me, but noooo...it's always the same excuse about how male mosquitoes don't suck blood. Whatever. I'm over it.'

That's as far as the Sunfish got.

"What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?"

'Aiiiiiir asteroid!'

"It's so beautiful. Almost makes you forget that at any moment a gamma ray burst could obliterate us all."

Earthquake Research Society. The meeting's over already? Yep --- it was called to order at 8:00 and adjourned at 8:02 by a motion from the floor.

"That's my Son, Denny - He evolved into a doctor."

Evolution of the Cow

"Yeah...he's my brother. I inherited the cool genes!"

"But if You create them in Your image, how will they tell each other apart?"

"Lately, I feel the whispering pines are whispering about me."