Evolution Humorist Pillows

'Watch this! — I've taught him how to shake hands!'

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

'Ha, ha! -- Neanderthals can't jump!'

"We're following Carrot Top."

"Good Lord! Life on Mars...adorable life on Mars!"

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

'I don't give advice. I'm only up here because it's safer.'

'Sorry - The position has already been filled."

'...and this is the water garden...'

Smokers smoking on the moon, Astronauts smoking on the moon

'...it's some distance away - but there are lots of 'em and they're edible.'

Astronaut: Pay and Display Only

"I've come to stage in my life-cycle where just landing on stuff isn't good enough anymore."

'I believe there's an unseen hand behind everything we do.'

Lab studies suggest that a human growth pill is just around the corner.

"So, tell me what happened after this Schrodinger put you in this box..."

'My acne is worst on the dark side.'

The Joshua Tree

Impartial Testing: "Eeny, meeny, money, moe..."

'Catch a pair of chimps and do a complete makeover on them.'

"If, indeed, there is a reason for all this, than that's so much worse."

"This is a terrible table!"

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

"Rising sea levels."

"I'm sorry, Mister Mulligan is dead. . . would you care to wait?"

The Moon Falls Out of the Sky.

"I thought the snow would never start"

"I've done a lot of soul searching, and I've come to the conclusion that I should be thinking less about money and more about naked women."

'We are the last Dodos on the planet, so I've put all of our eggs safely into this basket...'