Evolution Humorist Gifts

The evolution of triathletes.

'Watch this! — I've taught him how to shake hands!'

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

'Ha, ha! -- Neanderthals can't jump!'

"We're following Carrot Top."

"Good Lord! Life on Mars...adorable life on Mars!"

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

Atomic Bear: Part 21

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

'I don't give advice. I'm only up here because it's safer.'

'Sorry - The position has already been filled."

'...and this is the water garden...'

Astronaut: Pay and Display Only

'...it's some distance away - but there are lots of 'em and they're edible.'

Smokers smoking on the moon, Astronauts smoking on the moon

"I've come to stage in my life-cycle where just landing on stuff isn't good enough anymore."

'I believe there's an unseen hand behind everything we do.'

Lab studies suggest that a human growth pill is just around the corner.

Impartial Testing: "Eeny, meeny, money, moe..."

"So, tell me what happened after this Schrodinger put you in this box..."

Control Center. A satellite is falling! Tell NASA to divert it so it doesn't hit North Africa. Good golly, Miss Mali!

'Catch a pair of chimps and do a complete makeover on them.'

'My acne is worst on the dark side.'

The Joshua Tree

"This is a terrible table!"

'It's self cleaning, and runs on natural gas.'

"If, indeed, there is a reason for all this, than that's so much worse."

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

Moon's Portaloo.

"Rising sea levels."

Psychiatry. I know I've lost touch with reality, but in my defense, reality started it.

"I've done a lot of soul searching, and I've come to the conclusion that I should be thinking less about money and more about naked women."