Evening Enthusiast Gifts

"I love these quiet evenings at home battling alcoholism."

"I have dusk free."

'No, the job doesn't pay a lot but,as long as I have enough to spend my evenings in the pub, I'm happy.'

"I much prefer the evening milking to the morning one: The farmer is not a "morning person", now is he?"

Summer - the temperature is higher and the days are longer.

'I'd explain how the TV, VCR, DVD, surround sound home entertainment system works...but I don't know.'

Job Vacancy: Human cannonball. Applicants must of the right calibre

'Would you like you steak WITH or WITHOUT a capella?'

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

"Ok weekend! I hope you can make up for that awful week!"

Showing off the good china 3-7 pm.

"A naked dress is perfect when you have nothing to wear."

"We can stop entertaining ourselves now, Ian."

'Looks like everyone has FINALLY gone home.'

Starvation Watching

'It's nice, but I wish we could get more than one channel.'

Bedtime story.

Maps to the homes of guys with friends who know some of the limo drivers of the personal trainers of the stars.

Frank's bar & grill & jukebox & pool table & chairs & bathroom & mechanical bull & tables & karaoke machine & drinking fountain & lamps & fire extinguisher & doors & floors...

Lady throws dart to decide which soap opera she's going to watch.

John Barth wrote "Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story." That he did, little buddy. But what if a person spends most of his life watching tv, films, Youtube, Instagram, Facebook, etc? What if my -- I mean, this person's -- life story is watching other people's life stories? Does that make other people the hero of this person's story? Sometimes I don't know where I end and Kanye begins. That'd be somewhere around Kim Kardashian.

"Lets watch a martial arts movie."

"Two questions: What time are the guests arriving, and do you still want me to slice the pepperoni?"

"We can deliver it Tuesday. If no one's home, we'll just slip it under the door."

'So this is what you do while I'm away,'

"In this business the ball takes funny bounces. I got you a recording contract."

"I LOVE this business! Just when you think you've discovered our culture's lowest common denominator, along comes a crazy genius like you to show us how wrong our math was!"

NBS Programming Department. Who have we got to interview Michael Jackson? We've got it narrowed down to Stephen King or Leonard Nimoy.

'I'll need to see some ID.'

Unable to get going each day without her dose of Katie Couric, Lois shifted her schedule to be in sync with the star's new evening news job.

"As I recall, Leonard, when we first watched 'The Honeymooners' you said that it marked the decline and fall of Western culture."

More Arts Council cuts...

"It's only insomnia if there's nothing good on."

"Wait! It gets even crazier!"

'I trust you folks won't mind if I have the football on while we talk?'