Etiquette Experimenter Pillows

"Thanks for having us and I'm really sorry about the cheese ball. Honestly, I didn't realise I was meant to share it."

'Why don't you swear?...'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Maybe we should have brought a Riesling."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"What lead you to growing human tests in a test tube?"

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"The instructions for the beer-making kit you gave me? Didn't need them -- I figured it out for myself. Drink up."

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Only One Item or Fewer.

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Discussion topic: Is our society becoming less civil and more violent?"

"Just what is a runcible spoon?"

If bar stools were like playground swings...

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"Ah yes, I know this bit...it's from the advert!"

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'