Etiquette Experimenter Gifts

"Thanks for having us and I'm really sorry about the cheese ball. Honestly, I didn't realise I was meant to share it."

'Why don't you swear?...'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Maybe we should have brought a Riesling."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"What lead you to growing human tests in a test tube?"

"The instructions for the beer-making kit you gave me? Didn't need them -- I figured it out for myself. Drink up."

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Just what is a runcible spoon?"

"Discussion topic: Is our society becoming less civil and more violent?"

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

If bar stools were like playground swings...

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

"Ah yes, I know this bit...it's from the advert!"