Etiquette Eschewer Pillows

Joe's Diner - Messy Eaters Welcome

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Maybe we should have brought a Riesling."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

How The Sausage Is Eaten

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

Awkward First Dates

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Just what is a runcible spoon?"

'Excuse me, I'm going to talk on the cellphone while pretending you're not here.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'