Etiquette Evader Pillows

His Master's Noise.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Maybe we should have brought a Riesling."

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

How The Sausage Is Eaten

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Just what is a runcible spoon?"

"Ah yes, I know this bit...it's from the advert!"

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

A man at a cocktail party wears a nametag that reads "Trouble".

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

"You need to turn down the vibration setting on your cell phone."

'Don't get up!'

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."