Ethical Finance Enthusiasts Gifts

Holistic Stocks, Inc.

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

'So, gentlemen, how's the dollar trading against the immortal soul, today?'

Kids ask repetitively: 'Is the recession over yet?'

'This graph may need some explaining...'

Sure, it helps to be a blood-sucking parasite, but that's not all it takes to be a stockbroker...

"Is that legal? Can the old man force me to take a performance-enhancing drug."

"I wrote a letter to the Wall Street Journal saying the term 'Bear Market' makes me look like a loser, but they didn't print it."

Free Range Golfers

Businessman with two boxes: 'Nothing Ventured' and 'Nothing Gained'.

'Great, and I'll also need some mirrors.'

'I'm not authorized to talk about that...I'll have to patch you through to our department of unspeakable evil.'

IOC and human rights.

"I have this relationship with money, it's complicated."

"And you call yourself a socially-responsible investment portfolio!"

Nasty, Shady, and Gruesome equal Massive potential profits

Investments: Yes, we have organic, local & cruelty-free stocks.

'And get this: just when I thought the worst was over, the media blasts me for 'opportunistic, predatory business tactics!' Boy, did THAT sting!'

"You can take it with you down here - but no social conscience funds."

Bertha's: A bank that's more than a bank. It's also an insurance broker and a beauty parlor.

'Excellent idea, Primrose...but will the public buy it?'

'I used to chase cars. Now I chase yield.'

CEO slumber

"You've been a very bad man and we like that. So now, we're going to send you to London."

Security/Savings

'To avoid any conflict, I've put my ethics in a blind trust.'

Without telling me, you invested my salary in The Infant Restaurant Critic. It's a funny story, actually … Weeks earlier, the cafe got a visit from a baby whose screaming and yelling can make or break the restaurant. If the baby eats the food, the eatery gets a good review online. If not, ouch. It's not Yelp, more like yell. Or whine. But like so many subjective concepts, this one can be corrupted. It turned out that the entrepreneurs behind The Infant Restaurant Critic were willing to compromis

"Don't include any tobacco stocks in your portfolio- they'll only stunt its growth."

"I can't keep giving you stock tips. The SEC has been making 'insider trading' inquiries."

'Getting a big bonus to risk other people's money makes me wonder if I am part of a conspiracy.'

'They're the angel of social conscience funds and his evil twin, greedy devil.'

"Your 401(k) is a low-risk investment, other than a few stocks that happen to finance the end of human civilization as we know it."

"We need to come up with some corporate values, get online and steal some from a different company."

'I'd do the 'common good' more often if there were big lobbyist bucks in it for me.'

'Bob, we know that you can do the job, even though you did exaggerate your resume.'