Essay Expert Gifts

Studying and technology

'The C minus was sufficient. I didn't need the advice against hiring a literary agent.'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

'He was a great writer'

"You said mindfulness could help us do well on the test, so I filled it up with as much as I could last night."

Atlas with the earth, says: 'So then I thought, Why not just roll the damn thing?'

'What I did on my summer vacation: I wrote about what I had done the rest of the year.'

"How'd I do on the test?"

'Can you debunk my essay?'

What must every 5 paragraph essay contain? 5 paragraphs! For the last 18 years, some wise guy says that as if no one's heard it before. Congratulations. Who was this year's Mr. Predictable? You're wrong, Mr. K. A girl said it. Wow! Another triumph for women's equality in my classroom.

"I was a gainfully employed copy editor. Suddenly, one day, I couldn't tell an em dash from an en dash."

'If someone sent an email and the National Security Agency did not spy on it, would it still be an email?'

"You look a lot better on paper than you do online."

Bleh! What's up, little man? I can't figure out how to start my essay on integrity and honesty. Oh yeah. I once wrote one of those. Excellent. Can I use yours? Honestly?

NeighWoof.

Older woman explains how to see off men with one of her looks

It's college orientation time. The brain cell is attending an elite academic university, and the hormones and endorphins are going to party schools. The muscle cell earned an athletic scholarship. And it looks like the DNA molecule has already picked a major. The DNA has life planned out. It's chemically active down there. The individual atoms are excited, but also seem a bit sad. Of course! Going off to college is an emotional time for them. Old bonds are breaking and new ones are bein

"O.K., I admit it, we're lost, but the important thing is to remain focussed on whose fault it is."

"I'll have my article pulled together in no time."

"I think she marked yours in blue pen because she used up all her red on mine."

An English and French student converse.

Shakespeare or Bacon or maybe Marlowe.

"Or perhaps we could just have them wear these 'M-for-Muslim' patches...."

George Santayana

"My conclusion that he lied was based on his body language, his polygraph results, and the complete implausibility of his story."

'I'll pause for your moans and groans.'

Jonathan Swift.

Fyodor Sologub

'In the first place, my domestic science teacher wanted to show me how to cook but now, she wants me to write an essay about the difference between onions and bulbs!'

James Baldwin

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

Outline; Introduction, Body, Conclusion.

"You tend to overuse the exclamation point."

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.