Epicurean T-Shirts

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"Vindaloo hot enough?"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

Holiday Supplies

"Hickory smoke—that's what gives it that hearty Western flavor."

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

Michel Roux Jr

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

"This robot barista is so authentic it even got my name wrong."

'Frank, it's water.'

'This Beef Wellington is as tough as old boots.'

How to injury yourself as an adult

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

"Do you have a strain that pairs well with Chunky Monkey?"

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

Survival of the Foodiest

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

No Flash Photography of Meals

"Some dehydrated corn and bone meal for the gentleman, perhaps?"

"What's good here?"

"Wow - good job!"