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'Frank, it's water.'

The wonderful world of cheese.

"Vindaloo hot enough?"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

"May I recommend our Seared Filet with Lobster Cream Sauce? It's very photogenic."

Waiter: 'Your Tossed salad Ma'am.'

The Manicure.

"Don't hold back on the toad legs now - I'm through with Nouvelle Cuisine!"

"It's the Chef Surprise."

"You may not know this, but I've become quite the wine expert."

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

'This Beef Wellington is as tough as old boots.'

The Garra Rufa's idea of a Grand Day Out.

'That will be $600, thank you...'

"I ain't particular, but are you sure a '71 claret is the right choice for these here beans?"

The four basic food groups: Dry, Moist, Biscuit, Bone.

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

'What have they got, piranha?'

"Do you have a strain that pairs well with Chunky Monkey?"

'Now, will you consider cutting your toenails?'

'Karla worries about being asked to take her shoes off at the airport.'

"Putting a steak, chicken wings and potato chips on a salad kind of negates the eating healthy concept."

Nail Clippers Circle Like Sharks.

No Flash Photography of Meals

"Best served at street temperature, delicious served with dustbin chipsor gutter squashed, half eaten kebab..."

"Excuse me for a moment. I have to go and refinance this dinner bill."

"I don't know about your oil, but the goulash you're cooking in your crankcase looks done."

Treat at the Colinderies.

"I'm looking for a red with a fruity bouquet, lightly peppery on the palate, and will get me smashed in under 3 glasses."

'I sure hope business picks up soon.'

'You've really outdone yourself this time, dear! That was the best dirt I've eaten in a long time!'

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."