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Fellow Sheep of the Ring

"No Frodo, we are still many leagues from Mordor. This is from a wildfire by I-5 west of Bakersfield."

"It that it? I don't have my contacts in."

'Gravity...Go figure!'

Cupcake Excitement Scale

'I'll come in as soon as I've seen the orbits of Venus.'

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

Sir Lancelot finds the Holy Quail

"Why do I hate religion? Imagine if half the money ever donated to religion had instead been used for scientific research. That's the world religion stole from me! Instead of worrying about the coronavirus, I could be slaying orcs on a starship's holodeck!"

Saving Spain

Whack A Soul.

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

"Man, how to you guys get that great new flying saucer smell in here?!'

'Can you believe it? - This hayseed doesn't even know which GALAXY we're in!'

"When I'm grown up I don't want to poop on small cars in little cow towns. I want to poop on the limousines of the rich and famous on the Champs Elysees."

Evolution of God. . .

"If this doesn't distract him, Ulysses, we'll go with the sheep idea."

'Now that's what I call merchandising!'

"Most people think I'm rich beyond the dreams of avarice. But I dream big."

A clowns parachute.

"He's too ambitious, going for a black belt."

Congressionally Mandated Themes For The Daytime Talk Shows

Telescopes at the top of a mountain.

Christopher Colombus' Dog

Man seen stuck on a desert island on CCTV.

The Mayflower "Contents May Settle."

'You two need to get over yourselves and just ask for directions.'

Kid reading Tolstoy's 'War and Peace' as Dad brings in 'The Three Bears'.

"Looks like you need to cut back on your iron."

"Every year it's the same story...dangerous situations. Slippery slopes. Inescapable traps. Horrible creatures. But I trudge forward because no matter what...it's hard to avoid the first day of school."

The reason why the cows left their home planet.

"Take us to your leader in industrial design."

A clown runs across naval mines.

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