Entertainment Analyst Gifts

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Woke Jersey Shore

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

Television: Vast Wasteland. . .Vaster Wasteland.

Another cretinous dating show

"There's no such thing as 'bad publicity'." "All traffic is good traffic."

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

"We need to sue, claiming free speech is being violated by remotes with fast forward buttons."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

Derek and Clive (Dudley Moore and Peter Cook).

Sid Sinatra.

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

"I'm thinking action roles might not really be your thing."

I hope that "golden showers" dossier about Trump is true. That'd be awesome. How so, little buddy? Well, I was always a big fan of the cold war. I loved "Red Dawn" and "War Games" and "James Bond" and all those really cool cold war movies. If it's true that our new president is actually being blackmailed by the Russians, we might finally have a real "Manchurian Candidate." I've calculated that the number of "Twilight Zone" episodes that might still come true has just grown by half a dozen. I hop

"Soy latte for 'Actually Frankenstein is the doctor I don’t have a name.'"

"He's Right Behind Me, Isn't He?"

'The Final Merger'

"We interrupt this rubbish to give you another chance to switch off."

'Our ratings are down. Let's blame it on the media.'

Sissy Spacek

Trump commissions song

Actors getting married. 'Best supporting man'

'And who are you wearing?'

Note to self: Call lawyer, ask if he has any experience with charges of treason. What's lawyer got to do … got to do with it … What? What are you doing? Tina Turner. My second favorite singer, after Clay Aiken. She's amazing. I investigated every single one of her concerts. Good times. Wanna see my Tina Turner tattoo? I'm not a Russian spy!! What is this, 1985?! Good year. Tina was in "Mad Max" that year.

The Academy began to regret awarding the Oscar to Destructo.

"I didn't mean anything by it. I don't know why I said it. I just said it, that's all. Twiggy."

"I can sleep late, but, as his agent, I still get ten percent of the worm."

" ... and markets closed lower today on news that markets would close lower today."

"Remember, Kimberly, I'm more than your agent. I'm your mother."

Trustworthy Authority.

"When did movies start being dumb all year round?"

'Are you okay, Bill?'

'Old blue-screen's back!'

"Sadie, you were around in the sixties...was 'Mad Men' accurate?"