Employee Relations Manager Gifts

'Hiring is alright but for a real kick you can't beat firing.'

Do 'radical alternatives' to the contract really exist?

'Ever feel like you've walked into a corporate lion's den?'

"You can't just go around calling a goose 'silly' nowadays."

"I have to say, it`s not every boss that buys their workers a bottle for their hard work."

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

'Great Therapy!'

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

"Typical company, I'm the only woman!!"

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

Blowing dust off an order book.

'We like the teamwork idea, but Billy won't let us play with his ball.'

'We are an environmentally sensitive organization. We will have to do a background check on the size of your carbon footprint before we can make an offer of employment.'

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

"Before we begin, we'd like to remind you that we're an employee owned company."

"Sorry, coffee is delivered by a union shop and you banned all things union."

'I told you I'd deal with your transfer request, Jenkins. Cut the deck!'

'Haven't they found you a chair, yet Cludmore?'

"The law is an ass...employment law, however, is an asset."

'The firm is downsizing, Oglethorpe -- tell everybody to scrunch up.'

'I'm not saying he's going to chew you out, but he skipped breakfast and lunch.'

'What do you mean, 'away team'? -- You're firing me, aren't you?'

'Oh, you'll love working here. Nobody treats you any differently just becuase of your age, race, or gender.'

Mergers or acquisitions.

"Corporate thinks it's time we updated our motivational strategies."

Joan hits the glass ceiling: 'Sorry, but I've decided to go with Wally of Arc...'

'Your job, Richards, is to make sure that my name never appears in a headline alongside the word 'siphoned.''

"Your employees have lost faith in your ability to pretend to care about them."

"Admit it Johnson, isn't a pat on the back more intrinsically rewarding than a salary rise?"

'Frankly, we're looking for someone very much unlike you.'

'This new 'flexible working' scheme is a great idea. . . It helps us to identify staff who have a more balanced life. People who have interests outside of the office.'