Employee Morale Specialist Pillows

"I was reluctant at first to let you introduce art classes to the colony, but the morale of my workers and soldiers has definitely improved!"

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

We should take a break. Ron's eyes have turned into spinning rainbow wheels.

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

How leaders fail

Outer Space Outsourcing

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'Mr. Dawson, about when I said 'don't pull any punches'...'

'What's wrong now?'

"I just want you to know that promotion, this office, and those Luna bars were mine!"

'The toughest things you have to deal with in this job, is feelings and lawyers.'

The Evolution of the Bonus

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

"Why do you need so many computers?" "One for billing, one for stock control, one for human resources, one for financial management..."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"I appreciate your devices that make it seem like you're paying attention, but could you actually pay attention and make eye contact so I know you are?"

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

Late/Too Late.

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

'It's 930am ma'am - time to meet the Board of Detractors.'

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

'Here's another one that'll make you blow your stack.'

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

'I'd give you a raise, but I had to throw tantrums to make my parents give me anything as a kid.'